garrett: you probably need to go to sleep. you have to be tired.
me: i don’t care. sleep can’t tell me how to run my life.
garrett: sure it can.
me: it cannot. sleep thinks it’s better than me. i’ll show sleep. i won’t ever go to sleep, because i’m better.
garrett: do it and you’re going to die tomorrow at warped.
me: warped tour can’t tell me what to do either.
i was looking through my old posts. some of it makes me laugh. some of it i forgot that i wrote. but it’s really weird to see all the times that i wrote about garrett. we’re on such bad terms now that it’s weird to think back and remember that i used to spend every single day with him. it’s weird to think that for a while i thought i loved him. it’s harder to think that we could have had it all until he decided to try and sleep with one of my best friends. at the time that i wrote this post, you could say we were dating. it was when things were still good. they were great, actually. it’s just so weird. what’s even more weird, is how much i don’t miss him most of the time.
i walked around, in public, in my pajamas all day with my hair sticking up in the back and my makeup on from yesterday. i finally showered at like… 5. mom just told me to get ready so we can go out to eat. i put on a hoodie, messed up my hair up and sprayed it. hah. time to go.
my uncle jeremiah is one of the best people in the whole world. my aunt amy is my favorite person in my family. i have suspicions that she’s my real mom. my uncle has made her so happy and he treats her so amazing. he’s a soldier who has been stationed in iraq for almost a year and in less than 24 hours he will be boarding a plane and going home to her and her three sons in tacoma, washington.
golian is one of my good friends and he is also a soldier. he’s been stationed in afghanistan. he ships out to come home in less than a week. i don’t normally cry, but i could almost cry thinking about it.
kay, so i can rock the hell out of single life. seriously, i live it up. some people hate being single. for the most part, i fucking love it. no sarcasm. i actually kind of prefer it. i like being able to do whatever i want without having to explain myself to a significant other and i like that i can flirt with whoever i want whenever i want.
HOWEVER, it gets boring. the problem with that, is that i usually can’t make myself stand someone for more than a few weeks. after that, i’m sick of you. that’s why single works so well for me. i get to do the whole, “oh you’re cute and fun and you make me laugh let’s flirt and be cutesy” thing for a little while, and when i’m sick of the person, i can walk away because, well, we’re not dating. i can’t seem to find someone that doesn’t drive me nuts after that few weeks is up.
all i want is someone that can make me laugh and be an asshole at the same time. i don’t want the whole jealousy thing because that will just piss me off. i just need someone that will let me have lazy days where i smoke a lot of pot and generally do nothing but push me at the same time to make me be productive and study and get things done. i’ll do the same thing. i’m not coming to the table with nothing to offer. as much as i hate dating, i am a DAMN GOOD girlfriend. i don’t give a shit if they want to play xbox for six hours on saturday night instead of taking me out or if they’re not into going out at all. i would be happy to lay on the couch in old clothes and eat crappy food and watch our favorite movies all weekend if they wanted.
i’m not looking for perfection. i’m sure we would fight. i’m opinionated and sure of myself and that usually comes with arguments. we can scream at each other and tell each other how much we hate each other and threaten to break up, the whole nine yards. i expect that. but even with as loud as i am about the way i feel, i’m pretty laid back. i hate fighting. so when things are good, they’re usually amazing.
what i’m trying to say, is that i wouldn’t be opposed to dating someone for a while. for more than a couple of weeks.
also, it’s late and i’m refusing to proofread this. sorry for any errors.
it keeps telling me that it’s in recovery mode or some bullshit and then it says if i plug it into my computer and update it, then it will be fine so i try to do that but then it fails and IT’S NOT FINE.
it won’t play music or really do anything but tell me to plug it into my pc. i’m about to throw it out the window. i need this to work. this is not okay. someone tell me what to do because i can’t afford to blow my money on a new one. so please, please, please tell me how to fix it!
i’m thinking of starting a new tumblr just for all the things i want to remember from books i’m reading. it’s basically just going to be for my own personal use, but i’ll post it on here and you can follow it if you’d like. prepare yourself though, it’s just going to be me showing off how nerdy i am.
“Humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war, and kisses with lips. So in a way, the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are.”—Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
i know that everyone always says that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it kind of does. right now, i’m not sure how i’m going to pay for anything next semester. at this point, i have about enough money to pay for my classes, but not my books. and anything beyond that is pretty much out of the question. the obvious answer here is get a job. i have one. the problem is that minimum wage only goes so far. i’m planning on applying to try and find a second job when i get back to school but that doesn’t really help me now. it’s close to impossible for me to make money over break. i am totally willing to shovel driveways or clean houses or take down christmas lights or whatever i need to do. it’s finding the job that’s the problem.
i don’t know. i’m sure i’ll find a way to make it work, but at this point, i’m stressed to the point that i can feel my chest compress when i think about it. it’s sad that i had an easier time getting shifts and working 40 hours a week while i was in high school than i can now. damn, i hate growing up.
i planned to sit down and study last night for a few hours, pack all my things to go home for break, clean my room and get a good night’s sleep to prepare for my final. that is not at all the way things happened though.
i spent the whole night with five people that i would have never talked to had sam not convinced me into going with her to smoke a cigarette last night. i don’t even smoke. sam ended up going to bed and i spent the night drinking and talking and drunk swimming and then sitting in a sauna and sweating out everything bad and then breakfast while we were still wide awake and everyone else was still looking at the world though blurry eyes.
and even though it ended with a panic attack, i wouldn’t trade last night for anything. not for the easy a my test should have been or for a full night’s sleep. i need to step outside my box more often.
“The newspaper headline screams: “Eighteen-Year-Old Slain by Husband after Giving Birth.” As you continue reading, you learn that the young woman was brainwashed by a strange blood-drinking cult who call themselves a “family,” though none of the members were actually related. The young woman’s husband was much older than she and had a history of violence. In fact, you learn that her husband used to stalk her prior to her marriage, watching her secretly from the woods near her home and climbing into an unsecured window at night to watch her sleep without her knowledge. Once the young woman, then seventeen, was initiated into a relationship with the man and his “family,” she was encouraged to marry right after her high school graduation. The young woman reportedly had bruises all over her body after returning from her honeymoon, where she also reportedly became pregnant. Her husband was not happy about the pregnancy and wanted her to have an abortion. She refused, eventually leading to him ripping the child from her womb, then, draining her of her blood until she finally stopped breathing. Sounds torturous and sick, doesn’t it? But in fact, this is the basis of a tween-teen literary phenomenon called the Twilight saga…”—
Twilight and Philosophy, p.178 (chapter by Rebecca Housel) (via whatthefawkes)
two years ago today, my baby nephew died. javian david. he had an easy birth with no complications and he was a healthy baby boy for all of four days of his life. after that, he caught two different things at once. the pneumonia is what eventually took his life. almost his whole short life was pain filled. that kills me.
when he was alive, we called him little man. he just had this look about him like he was a man in a baby body. it’s hard to picture, but that’s the only way to describe it. there’s a song, it’s called godspeed. it’s a country song. in the chorus, the woman wishes “little man” sweet dreams. they played it at his funeral. i still can’t stop myself from crying when i hear it.
my brother tried to speak to javian from the podium at the funeral. he broke down and my dad had to bring him back down to sit. i don’t think i’ve ever cried so hard in my life. when you have to hold your big brother, the brother who has always protected you, while he cries because he is burying his child, it stays with you for a while. he was shaking. he had cried so hard, and slept so little. he was so weak and he just kept shaking while i was holding him. that was one of the worst moments of my life. i don’t wish that on anyone. a casket that small should never be made.
i know most people won’t read this, but i just needed it to be out there.
There are things they never tell you things you need to know or maybe knew before the angels pressed their fingers to your lips, silencing the secrets and hiding them deep inside when light first found your eyes. The first breath we take will be a gasp and the first sound a scream the last of both…
first, i can’t wait for this semester to be over. i really can’t wait for break. i’m sick of taking a math that doesn’t even help my major. i’m sick of taking a mandatory bio lab that really doesn’t apply to my major. i feel like i’m wasting my time. i can’t wait for next semester so that i can start actually working towards something.
second, i have a really high tendency to get depressed in the winter. most of the really terrible things that have happened in my family, happened in the winter months. december hits and i can almost feel the bad news coming. last winter went by perfectly smooth but i spent three months waiting for something bad. i’m trying to avoid that negative feeling this winter and i think i’m doing alright so far. next week is the two year anniversary of my nephew’s death. if i seem a little down, it’s probably because of that.
third, have you ever looked at spongebob’s parents? he looks like a kitchen sponge but they look more like potatoes. wtf. i’m seriously perplexed. i know that people age and that they’re probably supposed to look like real ocean sponges, but still. in conclusion, i think he was adopted. also, according to jam and i’s calculation, squidward is actually just a hipster in his late 20’s. look! look at them!
i got on tumblr yesterday after it was finally working again to catch up on everything i had missed. i saw the expected posts about how much everyone missed tumblr while it was down and how everyone’s lives revolve around it and blah blah blah. like i said, it was expected and a little funny.
what wasn’t expected or necessary was the picture i saw of the twin towers with tumblr stamped down the side. it said december 5-6 never forget. are you fucking kidding me? i was immediately angry. i would’ve posted about it last night had tumblr not gone down again. you cannot compare someone as tragic and terrible as 9/11 to tumblr crashing for a couple days. that’s disrespectful. this picture had something like 20,000 views. everyone who reblogged or liked it should be ashamed. that’s not funny, that’s terrible. there’s a line and that crossed it. it’s not okay.
my number one pet peeve is when people chomp their food.
seriously. when people are just going to town on what they’re eating, and they have their mouth open and it’s just loud as hell, i hate it. it makes me want to kick puppies and throw snow balls at small children. i fucking HATE it.
so what do you suppose my roommate is doing right now in our quiet room?
chomping her food. i mean, she is just NOMMING on her chips. i might kill her.
in actuality, i’ll probably just sit here and hate her from across the room until she either stops eating or i go to sleep.
(Reblogging a post from last spring because it is suddenly relevant again.)
I love the peppermint mochas that Starbucks sells at Christmastime. Love them. Every year, around late November, I get kind of giddy when the red cups come out and they start making them with the peppermint whipped cream and the little red sprinkles.
It’s become something I look forward to at Christmas, and while I realize it means that I’ve been seduced by the the ever-growing consumerist culture that will unquestionably be the undoing of our society, I can’t bring myself to care because motherfuck, they are delicious. And Christmasy.
Anyway, whenever I express my fondness for them, without fail, some jackass will make the following comment:
“You know, you can get those all year. They always have the peppermint syrup. Duh.”
Yes, I can get them all year. Know what else I can do? Dye eggs in October. I can put a tree in my house in March. Hell, I can bake a pumpkin fucking pie in June and serve it with a giant fucking turkey and cranberry sauce and stuffing and then watch a videotape of the Packers playing the Lions.